I’ve been in pain for as long as I can remember. Seemingly out of nowhere I began to realize that I was not able to function the way I was supposed to function. This began at a very young age and has plagued me my entire life. At least as long, I have been trapped in a body that I couldn’t control, feeling like I was living a lie because I knew that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, but there was nothing that I did that seemed to be able to change these factors. Nothing I tried provided true relief from my pain and my struggles with my body and my health. I must have tried literally almost everything available in order to gain some semblance of control over my body and my health. I grew despondent, frustrated, and more times than I can count, gave up on trying to be healthy, trying to heal, and just resigned myself to be unhealthy and in pain for the rest of my life. I punished myself with the ferver of the Pharisees, and beat myself up every chance I got because I could not change.
The longer I waged this war with myself, the worse I became. Before long, I was a shell of the person I knew I was meant to be. The hope for a life that I was meant to live, the experience of the calling on my life a distant memory. I wasn’t happy, but it was more than that. I was angry, hateful, seeking revenge on myself and my body for the perceived flaws and what felt like self-sabotage. I hated myself which meant that in turn, I hated pretty much everyone else too. I knew that I was not who I was meant to be, and I hated myself for the fact that I could do nothing to change it. I believed the lie, that this was the way it was meant to be, and daresay, I believed that I deserved the pain, I deserved to suffer and to be plagued with my existence because of the things that I had done. Ironically though, in early childhood, there were not many things that I had done that were horrible enough to evoke such senseless rage against myself.
But our minds are not always rational, especially when you have given control of your body and soul to the one thing that never should have had any claim to your existence. When I began counseling following the shootings, a lot of the work focused on this anger and rage towards others and towards myself. I made a lot of progress, I figured a lot out about the root cause of all of it and was able to regain control over the hatred and rage towards others. Until recently though, I have not been able to tame the beast inside my head that wants to destroy the very fabric of my being and rip my heart to shreds with the things he speaks to me inside my head. I have fed that beast for many years, allowing it more and more access to the inner parts of my mind, soul, and body. Every time trying to fight back harder, but every time failing to gain control over the ravenous appetite of this beast. That is the nature of the beast that seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, he makes you believe that he is unstoppable. All he wants is destruction. If he can destroy one of God’s people and keep them from becoming who God created them to be, then he takes great delight in doing so.
The reality is that we are all broken people. Every single one of us has experienced things in life that left us wounded, broken and hurting. For whatever reason, the enemy is allowed to be present when we are at our most vulnerable and that is when he is able to sneak in and offer something to us that we are usually too weak to resist. The idea of bargaining with the devil is a great story plot in Hollywood, but we play that game unwittingly when we are the most hurt. He offers us the idea of peace, the ability to forgot what has happened, or any other tantalizing things that in our broken state, coupled by immaturity, we willing accept what is offered to take the pain away.
What in your life is the thing that you cannot change? No matter what you do, no matter how often you pray, no matter how good of a Christian you are, you struggle to defeat the things in your life that you know are not really who you are, but that control your existence in ways you never thought would happen. I used to believe that this was the proverbial “thorn in my side” like Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12, but what if it’s not. What if that is another lie that we believe, that we must endure because this is what we were given to “humble” us? There have been many times that I believed that, but then I turned around and screamed at God for allowing such pain and suffering to exist in my life. My perspective has changed, significantly.
I have a counselor who was desperately looking for a treatment for trauma that provided real healing and that was permanent. She found Splankna. I had never heard of it, but she gave me a brief synopsis and we went to work. In April, I was able to receive the first level of training in this same protocol and became an apprentice in the treatment. What the treatment entails is for another post, because, it’s incredible, amazing, and the backstory is complex. What I can tell you though, is that this treatment is ridiculously effective and the impact is felt immediately and you are permanently free from the things that have been plaguing your life.
Last week, during a session with a counselor, we were led to begin the work in healing the brokenness in my body. I will admit that I was very excited, but I was also skeptical. I have seen this treatment do amazing things in my own life already, but my body and my health were like the holy grail. It’s the one thing that has haunted me since age 5 and that has kept me from fully being who I was created to be. Even though I had trepidation, I dove right into whatever healing God was going to bring. You see, God is the God of healing. He wants nothing more than for his children, his beloved, to be free from the chains that have bound them for too long. I know now, that God is not the cause of the suffering, and I also know now that He is the deliverer of healing, and there is little more I can say than to sing praise to Him who loves me.
Yesterday was my final session in healing work for this particular issue. I confirmed what I had been expecting, but around age 5, whatever happened to me (I have some ideas but no memories yet), I gave up control of my body and my soul (specifically with regard to my memory) to the enemy in exchange for the ability to forget what had was happening and to escape. I obviously would have had no idea that was going on at age 5, but the enemy used my vulnerability to attack, and I unconsciously gave up control of my existence to him. This knowledge made me incredibly angry and I went after my healing with renewed vigor. I broke the chains, revoked the agreement, rebuked the lies, and submitted myself fully to Christ instead of the enemy, permanently revoking his access to my body or my soul in Jesus name!
I left that office feeling giddy, knowing that something powerful had happened, but I wasn’t sure how that would play out in my daily existence yet. I prayed for increased awareness and discernment of the movement and shifts that had taken place in my body, mind, and soul so that I could really see the small changes that were done when Christ provided complete healing to me. Today, I really got to see that. I went for a run this morning, with my son in his stroller, which is significantly harder than just running and always results in physical pain and suffering as punishment for my desire to be healthy (the common theme). As long as I remember, walking any distance was enough to cause severe pain in my back, let alone the pain I would endure as a consequence of my running (something I’ve done since 2009). I have a high pain tolerance and so I always pushed through the pain, medicating with ibuprofen and later, the good stuff, after a run because I could barely breathe because of the pain. As I gained weight, I blamed it on that, but the reality is, that pain with any type of movement has always been there. But not today. Today, I ran 4.5 miles, then took another 2-mile walk later, and chased a moving toddler throughout the rest of the day. I racked up 8 miles of movement today, over 18,000 steps on my fitbit, something I haven’t done in years…and I’m not in pain. Not only am I not in pain now, I wasn’t in pain when I was doing it. I am sore, of course, because I worked my muscles, but I am not in pain. Not only that, but the beast that lived inside my mind, punishing myself if I had to slow down, walk, or modify my workout, was silenced forever. I AM FREE!!!!
For those of you who deal with chronic pain, what I just said speaks volumes to you. For those of you who know me personally, you know what this means. I know that God wants to heal, I know that we often beg whoever (which is always the enemy in disguise) for relief from whatever we’re suffering from, and I know, that Splankna is the tool that God will use to bring real and permanent healing and restoration to anyone who wants it. It’s not a magic bullet, a magic pill, or anything like that, but a cooperative agreement between myself and God that I am ready and willing to accept His healing in my life. When you submit to Him, ask Him for healing, He will show up, every time. The conflict that keeps us from fully submitting to Him for healing is what keeps us sick.
If this is something you want to explore in your own life, contact me. Give yourself permission to hope, one more time. I am an apprentice (looking for people to work on) until the end of August when I will be certified, but God can and will use me to facilitate healing in your life. That’s what Invisible Wounds is all about. True healing from the brokenness that haunts us and destroys everything we try to do. It’s what I am passionate about, and now because of this tool, can bring to you.