Waking Up

Have you ever had a moment when you realize that you aren’t really sure where you are or how you got there? I remember the first time I was truly awake. After everything that I had been through and experienced in my short life, somehow I had completely removed myself from the present. One day, something got my attention. I remember thinking to myself, “how in the world did I end up here?” I was in a place that made no sense and with a person who was a stranger to my mind. I knew all these people and places, but they did not reflect the true person I was inside. I realized at that moment, that I had only been existing in this life. Drifting day to day, letting this world and everyone else around me direct my life. I had ceased living and I realized that I had been that way for a very long time. Most of my life, from what I remember, I felt like I had a pretty good grasp of reality. I knew right from wrong, I knew what was expected of me. It may seem obvious that after the shootings I drifted out of reality, but the truth is that I had been drifting in and out of reality for years. The moment my foundation on Christ was challenged by a friend, I began to forget who I was, who God was, and for the next 13 or so years, I was being tossed around like the waves on the shore. I kept grasping for the truth I once understood, and that deep down inside I truly believed, but kept finding more waves pushing me farther away from the foundation I once clung to. I have had many moments in my life where I have finally woken up and begun to live life in the present instead of just existing. Through everything, the only constant was God. He kept calling me back to Him waiting patiently while I fought His voice and struggled to find myself each and every time. These moments aren’t as frequent as they once were, but sometimes I still come to and ask myself how I got where I am. The difference is that now I’ve learned to struggle a little less and my resistance to His calling me into the present is a little weaker. I know my weaknesses now, I know that I hide in myself when things seem to be falling apart, and I am learning every day to trust Him more and more to bring me back to reality and hold me while I figure out this thing called life. Without that constant presence in my life, I am not sure I would have ever truly woken up from the slumber of trauma and chaos. Without God as my anchor, I would have long ago been lost at sea and drifting anywhere the waves took me.

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